I used to have no problems, coming home from a long day of work with a long commute of driving in Southern California, lay out my mat and get to practicing a nice sweaty flow in the living room of my apartment. Sometimes with music and sometimes without. Sometimes Ashtanga (what I could follow any way) and sometimes free flowing.
Since sometime in 2018, I just stopped being motivated. Part of it was injury, part of it was dealing with mental or emotional challenges I was having at that time. I would take a sporadic class and could be ready to teach when needed and I have subbed quite a bit in the area.
Then summer came and I thought paddling would be my new focus. Not quite LA weather but Lake Union had a lot of benefits. Especially how close the access was. Short or long paddle, the convenience of walking out was that easy so I just made it happen. Work got busy, commuting via public transportation got hectic. Weddings, trips, events and everything else in between and I just got into a rut. It wasn’t ugly, I wasn’t depressed. I just wasn’t happy. I needed to get my routine back. I went back as far as May to see my fat-loss progress sheet which included fat% based on a home scale, my food diary based on my Fitness Pal, and my current state wasn’t great. Luckily, my boyfriend thrives on routines also. We sat down on Friday and came up with a simple and tentative plan.
Mine includes making more meals at home, logging meals properly, keeping track of my spending (something I’ve been meaning to do for awhile), and staying on top of school (middle aged college kid here). There are many excuses that I could give, my shoulders do not feel right and I haven’t had just adjustment in awhile but can feel my shoulders or ribs are tweaked. I kept making excuses because I just felt like I wasn’t ready to get back into a practice. Having a regular practice means showing up to connecting with who you are for whatever amount of time you spend on the mat. This may not be the case for everyone, I take my practice on my mat to heart. Not seriously just to heart. My soul opens wide and I feel, it is something on the inside that is beyond a physical exercise.
The mat is where I forgive myself, where I am energized and experience my potential. It is where I realize how strong and vulnerable I am at the same time. My yoga practice makes me very happy – if you can’t tell but it also scares me because I don’t want to lose anything good I have in my life. I’m afraid that the love and acceptance that I feel from myself and the release of guilt and any negative energy will put me in a place to disregard any other good part of my life. I know…. crazy talk.
I got back on my mat. I started yesterday. I didn’t start because I felt good or I had the energy. I was hungry, I had just finished walking home from subbing a yoga class and I was really frustrated at all the tasks I needed to accomplish and was far from completing. I just told myself “just try it for a few minutes”. All I did was have fun, nothing special came about. And then today, my boyfriend left to go run some errands and I decided to unroll my mat. I wanted to go for 7 minutes at least. I know. That is super cake. I doubled my time on the mat and it wasn’t any special flow but it felt great. Like I had found myself and didn’t know where I’ve been.
I have a few goals that I’m working to achieve. Some are personal, some are business and some are just long term goals that I can’t really imagine achieving. I still have them. I am going to start with my home practice. A regular god damn practice of this thing called Yoga that I love so much. And writing. It is probably the best therapy I can imagine. I’m not for or against the type of writer I am trying to become. I am merely dumping things from my brain to this space.
<3
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